Angry. Angry. Sad. Pulsing shame. Angry. Angry. Frustration. Sad. Building up. Crashing down. Tired. Angry. Frustration. Total frustration. Angry. Angry. Shaking. Nausea. Hate. Anger. Anger. Sad. Depressed. Sad. Angry. Angry. Double Angry. Triple. Quadruple. Angry. Sad. Ashamed. Tired. Hate. Jealousy? Angry. Sad. Tired.

Attempting to calm down.

Shaking. Angry. Sad. Very sad. Questioning. Tired. Sad. Angry. Annoyed. Very annoyed. Barely functioning. Tired. Sleepy. Awake. Tired. Sad. Still sad. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Unusually quiet.

Thought Babble is good for me I think.

Quiet. Calm. Concentrating. Meditating. Calm. Quiet. Calm. Tired. Tired. Meditating. Calm. Tired. Tired. Resting. Resting. Slowly coming down. Slowly floating. Floating. Tired. Sinking. Calm. Sinking. Calm. Calm. Calm. Landing softly.

Okay. I think I'll be good for now.

Currently Listening A Day Without Rain By Enya Track 02 ~ Wild Child see related

Things are getting better.

I'm less stressed about school than I was a couple weeks ago, now that I've got my routine down pat. I still need to get some wraps for my hands for that conditioning class sometime...but we'll see. Lately I find that being busy is a nice thing? It keeps my mind occupied. But then I wonder, "from what?" Is there something lurking in the back of mind? I don't think so...maybe I just feel better when I'm spending time doing something productive. I feel a little bad though for certain other people...they are spending so much time being productive that they don't have any time to themselves at all.

I really don't have time to blog as much anymore do I? This is part of growing up, I guess.

Well...whatever.

On another note, I'll be celebrating my second first one-year relationship anniversary this saturday! (That's confusing but it makes sense to me, so don't mind it.) It's very exciting considering that all my other relationships only lasted only a month or so on average if I remember correctly. I guess cause I'm a very flighty person...but, I don't know. For me, it's not a big thing...is that weird? Because I've gotten so comfortable with Minh that we just see this as another cute milestone in the rest of our lives.

Or maybe I just feel like I took one of those emotion-balancing drugs. I haven't been as emotional lately, it's unnerving haha. Like I'm just content with my life. Stagnance scares me sometimes I suppose...like I have such a problem with my constant boredom and need to be entertained. I want to constantly grow, to the point that this feeling of standing still in time bothers me. Maybe I just really need to be thankful for this neutral contentment lasting for so long. It could worse...it could be extreme war time, and all my friends were being drafted. Indeed.

Well, he makes me really happy. I suppose that's all that matters.

Currently Listening Never Take Friendship Personal By Anberlin Track 05 ~ A Day Late see related

Sometimes I even wonder why I try.

I can't believe I wasted that much effort trying to telling someone that I seriously didn't want to do something and then ended up doing it because someone gave me a better reason. It's pointless, and yet it has a point. I guess I don't like doing things unless there's a valid reason for me to do them? Whatever.

It's hypocritical of me to even admit what kind of feelings I have right now, so I guess I won't even try. I've been wanting to beat the shit out of something ever since before school started out of mere frustration because of a multitude about them, but I suppose it's never anything I can talk about freely, so I can't even post about it up here.

I wonder if there's a shooting range around here that I can vent my anger upon.

Seriously, I don't know how this year will go. I miss Ammie so much...Nihongo is not the same without her cheerful yet flighty personality really. My sophomore year feels like it's going to blow already. I feel used and I feel like I'm being manipulative at the same time, if that makes sense. I've been feeling bad....physically, emotionally...possibly mentally, unless I get rid of Intro to Ethics...and if I do, then I'll leave the mental-raping to Chinese 101 and its tones. And it's weird...I actually kind of would feel relieved if I didn't get into the business school. I don't know why, but I do.

Today, I was thinking about the elements and my zodiac sign. I feel I could play with all the elements...scorpio = water, virgo = earth...add my air type personality of being flighty and my fiery energy. No one has any idea what I'm talking about either. It was a weird thought anyway.

I keep thinking that people deserve better than what they have. I haven't met anyone that I would think deserved worse than what they had...

But you know what? I think that things will get better now. I don't know why...I just got a feeling just now.

I'm back again! If only temporarily because I don't want to cook dinner. >.>

It's been a long exciting summer, but I will tell you something that has been true since the start of it: I want to go back to school. My house will never give me as much comfort as staying in Scott's room with Ammie playing video games or Minh giving me lovings often often often or Jody and I hanging out at class. Not even compared to say...Sakagami-sensei making racial jokes in class. (WHY IS SHE TEACHING AT NEWARK THIS YEAR!?) I hate my house (except my room) and that is that. I don't care if I'm a suckup now. I have learned so many things at Rutgers and I want to commute a half hour a day no matter if I have to pay for gas.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL DAMMIT.

Wednesday does not come fast enough, although tomorrow will be made faster with the amount of laser tag to be played. >:]

I hate...a lot of things. But I also love a lot of things. It balances out, I guess.